Having a narcissistic mother in law is extremely unfortunate. It’s much like having a “bad” headache; you can’t exactly stop it at the time, but there is something you can do.You can understand why and what the causes of this behaviour are, and try to mitigate the issues going forwards by protecting yourself.
There’s a reason that this narcissistic mother in law is in your life, and it definitely isn’t because you value her opinion or enjoy spending time with her, but in fact, it’s most probably because you care and love your partner.
What if I told you there was a way to feel much better about the situation? If you focus your energy away from being enmeshed within the toxic situation, and rising above it, you will learn a lot about yourself. You will become a lot stronger, happier, and more fulfilled.
However, If you decide to ignore, defend or snap at her spiteful and controlling behaviour, you’ll be stuck in a perpetual cycle of hurt, resentment and misery. Not to mention, this could even cause pressure and stress on the relationship with your partner if the situation is not dealt with correctly.
This article is your ultimate guide to understanding and dealing with your narcissistic mother in law. It is based on having lived and breathed your pain for several years, until I implemented these key practices into my life, to become a better version of myself.
What is a narcissist
Narcissists ignore the needs of those around them. While everyone may show occasional narcissistic tendencies, true narcissists frequently disregard other people’s feelings, and only act with their selfish agenda in mind.
Narcs have an inflated sense of importance, and they believe that they are so special that they demand, control and gain power of everything around them. If they don’t get what they want, the abuse will simply ramp up.
They will often surround themselves with people who feed their ego, they build relationships to reinforce their twisted sense of reality, even if these relationships are superficial.
They can often be very charming as long as you stay in line with their demands, what they want, and feed their ego. As soon as you stop, they will use manipulative tactics to reel you back in.
Symptoms of a narcissist
Your narcissistic mother in law can display many different personalities, and traits. Here are some of the warning signs to look out for:
- Inflated sense of self-importance.
- Demand constant, excessive attention and praise.
- Sense of entitlement.
- She doesn’t hold back on passing comment on how you should live your life.
- Shows anger or a strong opinion on a topic relating to you and your partner.
- Constantly repeats or rants her opinions about a topic relating to you indirectly and attacking your decisions. For example, she’s read something on social media.
- Tends to belittle the other person to make themselves feel right or important.
- Exaggerates her achievements.
- Makes up stories about illness, or unfortunate situations to play the victim to gain attention.
- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power or beauty.
- Constantly talks about what other people do for them and how brilliant they are, but you get a sense she simply enjoys the control aspect.
- Believe they are superior and will surround themselves with people who feed their ego.
- Surround themselves with superficial friends.
- Put people down for a ‘joke’.
- Make hurtful comments with a smile.
- Demand special treatment and for you to solve their problems.
- When they make a mistake, it’s your fault or someone else’s.
- Take advantage of others to get what they want.
- Constantly talk about others not having friends or being unsocial – This is known as smearing, most probably because the person chooses not to socialise with them or give them attention.
- Get extremely angry if something doesn’t go their way.
- Show jealousy towards other people’s achievements.
- Constantly talking about your partners past friends, girlfriends or when he was “happy”.
- Think they are the centre of everything and that everyone is jealous of them.
- Disregards other people’s feelings or needs.
- Behaves boastful and pretentious.
- Insists on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car.
- Unable to accept responsibility, or accept any type of criticism, feedback or anyone questioning their bad behaviour.
- Unable to act rationally, they either wash their hands with you or pretend the conversation never happened.
- Uses all their energy ranting about other people, social media or the news channel.
- No focus on improving their own life, all energy is used on putting down others for not doing “what they would do.”
- Talks about people on social media if they are their ‘friends’ and know everything about them.
- Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment, for example, the waitress didn’t compliment or bend over backwards for them.
- Have difficulty regulating emotions and behaviour.
- Experience major problems dealing with stress and to change.
- Feel depressed and moody due to imperfection or lack of control.
- Unable to accept that you’ve become independent, such as moving out, engagement, marriage, buying a car without their approval etc.
- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation.
Commonly asked questions
1. My Narcissistic mother in law makes subtle remarks and criticism?
Narcissistic mother in laws, are masters at planting the seeds of doubt. This allows them to avoid accountability and gain control over you. For instance, you call them out on their behaviour, and they will simply deny all knowledge and manipulate the situation as if you are crazy.
Narcs tend put down your ideas, express hurtful comments with a smile on their face, and subtly judge or shame you. Often, this will relate to their insecurities and where they feel they are losing control. For example, what you eat, work-life balance, putting down your fashion sense, look ‘skinny’ or ‘put on weight’ or maybe your decision to purchase a pet without their approval.
They may also may be passive-aggressive, frequently nitpicking or passing unwanted comments/judgements such as ‘how will you cope if….’ or ‘you know what he/she is like…’
Another example is that you may be into your fitness and receive comments such as ‘you look skinny, are you eating’ or ‘people who are skinny, don’t eat and it means they’re unhappy’. You will find that your mother in law will disguise these comments as ‘concern’ or for your partners well-being, even if you’ve not suggested that you want her opinion. The narc would have already made up in her mind the story, and will be telling others and using it against you.
These passive-aggressive remarks are frequent, harmful, and you will find that the goal posts will constantly be moving.You will quickly find that nothing you or anybody doesis right, and the only time you will hear ‘good things’ about others, is when she is using it to build a case against you, via being passive-aggressive, or proving a point.
The aim here is for your narcissistic mother in law to gain control and power over you and your partner. For you to serve her selfish agenda, and boost her ego driven personality.
2. My narcissistic mother in law plays the victim?
Mothers in law are notorious for being controlling, judgmental, critical, and overbearing. And like any toxic person, a toxic narcissistic mother in law is a difficult to handle, and feeds off your misery.
Rather than being honest and direct about their opinions, narcissistic mothers In laws will disguise their passive aggressive behaviour as they have ‘good intentions’ and ‘just care’. The narc will wait for you to bite at their behaviour, and then turn it around as if you are crazy, awkward and have validated their false story about you.
Should you question this behaviour, they will often play the victim game, and pretend that they have no clue about your accusation, and that you’ve upset them. Often, this will play into their hands, as the narcs aim is to confuse and shame you. Therefore, guilt kicks in and you may try to sympathise with them, and put their needs before your own. Meanwhile, they have smeared you to others in the family, and they will create followers to work against you.
3. My narcissistic mother in law shifts blame on me?
Your narcissistic mother in law is jealous that you are taking their daughter or son away from them. Not because they love and care for their child, but in fact, they are losing control of them.
Their next attempt will be to pitt you and your partner against each other. They will portray their child as the ‘golden child” who “can’t do any wrong” while maintaining you as the scape goat who is problematic, crazy and making her child unhappy.
Typically she will then use other family members as “flying monkeys” to find out more information about you and use your weaknesses against you.
4. Why is my my mother in law so envious?
Your narcissistic mothers in law will tend to make passive aggressive remarks toward you. They will see you as “competition” for their attention from their sons or daughter. They know that this will hurt you and you will talk about it when you get home with your partner, therefore, they are happy feeling that they at thecentre of attention once again, and it will cause issues with your relationship.
5. Why does my mother in law enjoy dominating people?
Narcs have to dominate to fulfil their ego, they tend to be overpowering, loud, and arrogant. They must always to be right and will express strong hateful comments towards others to make themselves feel better. They lack empathy toward others, and have no ability to genuinely love or care about anyone other than themselves. They see every person in their life as a tool, a tool to serve their agenda and please them.
6. Why is she so defensive
The only aim of a narc is to protect their ego, control their child and to gain excessive attention from others. You will find that she will argue to the death about being right or that her way is the “only way” to protect her ego. They will do whatever it takes to prove they’re right and everyone else is wrong. If backed into a corner, they will play the victim, cry, talk about illness, or death and portray you or someone else is attacking her out of spite.
7. She needs to be admired, all the time
Narcs require excessive attention. They have inflated egos and truly believe that they are gods gift. They want you to praise or admire them as much as they admire themselves. She will tend to bring up a lot of stuff in the past, and portray herself as a world class mother who needs to be rewarded (as if their child owes them).
Narcissistic mother in law – Manipulative tactics to watch out for
When you first met your mother in law, you may of felt charmed, but when you officially become part of the family, the rules quickly come into force, and the manipulation ramps up. Here are some of the manipulative tactics to look out for:
Creates family roles– Narcs create family favourites and roles amongst their children, one will be the golden child and the other the scape goat.This is known as toxic family system, understanding more about this helped me personally on my own journey in coping with narcissism.
Gaslighting– is a common trait, it will start off small, but it gradually becomes worse over time.
Love bombing– This tends to pick up as your partner gains independence, such as going on vacation or making a decision without her approval or knowledge.This is designed to gain control over their target. Mother in laws often use this to guilt trip seeing their children more, if they have become independent.
Silent treatment– If a narcs rules are broken, they tend to use the hot and cold tactic, eventually leading to silent treatment. Should the silent treatment not work, they will resort in playing the victim, for example; sending a message telling you she misses you, and for you to call her. This is to gain control and power back, by manipulating you into doing what she says.
Raising “concerns”– Narcissists are also masters at giving “concerned advice” to someone else in the family, about the way you’re doing something or a ‘change in personality’. Quite often this ‘concern’ will be raised to your partner.
Guilt trip– Narcs will use guilt trips to gain control and power.
Disregard others needs– Narcissists require excessive attention, and once they get it, they will be in their element. They may come across confident but in fact, they are very fragile and insecure. You will find that when you express an achievement, she will talk over you or talk about someone else’s achievement. She will look for anyway to outdo you or minimise your achievements.
Grandiosity– This is one of the biggest indicators of a narcissist. Grandiosity is when a person overestimates their abilities and inflates their accomplishments, often appearing boastful and pretentious. Their aim is to keep a good life public image, and genuinely believe that they are better than anyone else.
Lack boundaries– The boundaries that you and your partner put in place are ignored and she will over step at any given opportunity. Narcs don’t understand healthy boundaries in place, they want to feel wanted and needed, therefore do everything in their power to get immeshed within your relationship.
Here are key learnings to take self-responsibility
Pause… breath and find centre
This means, pause, breathe and think rationally – Finding centre means grounding yourself in truth to find stability, rationality and calmness in the moment.
When you pause, remember that not everything is about you. To internalise something, it means you are taking it personally. Taking things personally can contribute to negative, self-limiting beliefs and unhappiness. It can also prevent you seeing things clearly and being the bigger person. Building self confident, knowing your values and purpose in life, will help you to not take things personally. You will have confidence that you are doing or saying things within good intentions.
Also remember that narcissists have tendencies to make cruel comments because they see themselves as more superior and more important than everyone else, and therefore more deserving and entitled. Therefore, it’s never personal with narcissists, they only care about their selfish agenda and ego. Should you or anyone not serve their purpose, they will retaliate. On the other hand, if you do serve their purpose they will still abuse the person, through thenarcissistic relationship cycle, which consists ofgaslighting,love bombingand many more malicious tactics.
What your mother-in-law says or does is not about you; it’s about her. You are just a mirror that reflects her own dysfunction, so she lashes out. Don’t take it personally.
Get on the same page
It’s super important that you and your partner are on the same page. Narcissists can come across charming, caring people and constantly probe for threads to pull in your relationship. If you partner goes to their mother to have a moan about you not being tidy, or having a disagreement about something, secretly this will make the narc happy. This will give them permission to interfere in your relationship. It’s best that they have no details on your relationship.
Healthy Relationships
Set healthy boundaries, if she calls too much, make a decision not to answer in certain parts of the day or week.
Also educate yourself on healthy relationships, know right from wrong and focus on you and your partners life. Surround yourself with people who are healthy, who listen to your needs and respect your boundaries.
Apply empathy
Nobody is perfect, but narcissists have deep rooted issues from their childhood which has created an unhealthy, twisted sense of reality. Just as you see her as controlling and manipulative, she will see you as trying to turn her child against her. It’s not to say that her behaviour is forgivable or ok, but seeing it for what it is, will allow you to let go the anger and not let it get to you.
Make a plan and stick to it
When you put a plan together and start putting boundaries in place, the abuse will ramp up. Sometimes it may feel easier to give into her or totally ignore her. Neither of these strategies will help, and it will only hurt you.
Respect yourself
Insert healthy boundaries in your life, understand your needs, values and what you want the relationship to look like. This will show yourself you are in control of the situation, and not allow negative energy to take over.
You may initially fall under the trap of people pleasing your mother in law, and now find it difficult to put boundaries in place or be assertive. This is common. However, it’s important to know more about yourself, and your needs so you can start implementing a new strategy. It’s also important that you talk to your partner so you both can decide how you move forward together.
Support and communicate with your partner
Having a narcissistic mother in law is hard, but having a narcissist mother is harder. A narc gets you to feel worse and it’s your fault. It’s important not to feel at fault, or allow her problems to be put on you.
Forgive and let go
If you truly want to feel better and see the situation from a distance, you need to accept the situation, and forgive her. You may feel like forgiveness is contrary to standing up for yourself. But it’s actually an act of self-love, and it will allow you to lose the resentment, anger and hurt.
Emotional detachment
Narcs will never change, but you can. Stay in control, and focus on the controllable. Don’t encourage her dramatic conversations, you’re in control of your time and emotions. Identify when your mother in law is trying to get a reaction, and allow the emotion to pass. Overtime this will get easier for you, and you will feel more at peace.
Do not try to change her
This is one of the most important lessons to remember, do not try and change her. It’s the biggest mistake you can make. Not only it’s a waste of your energy, it will anger and hurt you.
The best thing you can do is limit her access to you and your life. The less information you tell her about your life, the less she will be able to get involved.
Don’t force the relationships
As mentioned, you will never change a narcissist. She may come across charming and caring, therefore, you fall into the trap of showing her you’re vulnerable. It’s important you resist the temptation, as it will be used against you later. For example; you tell her you’re struggling, you may find later on, that she tells everyone you have a mental illness and that you’re unstable. In her world, she is validating why you don’t talk or involve her.
Narcissistic mother in law – Take away
There are many people who decide no contact is the best way forward with their families. When going through an abusive relationship, there are many coping strategies that you can use however, in some situations you can exhaust all avenues, and you come to the realisation that there’s no hope and all you are doing is hurting. All you can do is try, it’s important that you don’t blame yourself. If they don’t want to listen and your mental well-being is being impacted, it’s best you put yourself first. Just make sure that you are making the decision based on what’s best for you and your family, and not from a defensive or angry place.
